I've been through a lot these past couple of months, and I've felt very discouraged at times. I guess it's my own fault that so many things have happened. I decided to move, and I know it's what the Lord wanted, but that doesn't change the fact that it hurt a lot to leave so many friends and my grandmother and sister behind. It's strange to live under my parents roof again, and to have to adhere to their rules, even though I'm 20. I know I have to cause they're my parents, but it's hard to get used to it when I was living by my own rules for 2 and a half years. Anyway, this isn't the reason I decided to write today. I've been having a spiritual struggle for a while, and I've been growing a lot, especially over the summer. I found it hard to forgive myself for so many sins and transgressions I've committed in my life, so I just stooped to committing more sins. It's illogical reasoning, I know, but I just feel so unworthy sometimes. I feel dirty, and therefore feel that He could never forgive me.I've heard many people say before that in order to live life after committing mistakes, especially sins, one must first ask the Lord for forgiveness, and then forgive oneself. Many times, I have forgotten this latter part of the equation. I keep thinking about my past transgressions, and I let them hold me back, but I have decided to forgive myself, and that is a really big step in my life. I know the Lord has forgiven me, and now that I have forgiven myself, I feel this weight off my shoulders. I hadn't realized how I was holding myself back from spiritual growth, but now that I have, I'm growing, and I'm understanding what God wants and needs from me. I have been praying a lot, and I have been very confused, but the Lord has made me aware of a small portion of His great plans for me. I have become the Divisional Youth Dance Company instructor. This is a very scary endeavor for me since I feel entirely inadequate to do this, but God knows what He's doing, and I'm putting myself in His hands, and doing what He wants me to do. Already I feel myself growing closer to Him each day, and I feel amazed. Even though, at times, I feel lonely and isolated from my friends, I'm happy that God is using me, and I can't believe how stubborn I was to not let Him have His way in my life before. Why was I so afraid to let Him enter and do what He wanted? He's more than sufficient to care for me, but it's a scary thing to do His will sometimes.
Anyway, I leave you with a short worship song that has touched my life greatly. It's simple, but strong, and true. It's in Spanish, but I'll translate it. It says the following:
"//Mas de Ti, menos de mi
Ruego hoy que hagas así
Mas de Tí, menos de mí//
Como la semilla que para brotar tiene que morir
Todo plan en mi corazón lo rindo hoy por servirte a Tí."
It basically says:
"//More of You, less of me
I pray today that there will be
More of You, and less of me.//
As the seed that in order to bloom needs to die,
Every plan in my heart, I surrender today, to serve You."
This is my prayer. I pray to be able to surrender all of myself to Him, that He may work through me and do as He wants. I think this should be everyone's prayer for their life.
